ReDmpTiON spEaKs ...

The person that I almost was..

Have you ever woken up wishing that you were someone else ..?? someone well... different..!! Have you ever felt bored of how life was dragging along .. how you were doing the same things that you didn't wanna do .. again ... and again ... How every breath you took, every move you made was one step away from the life you secretly wished for. You have everything .. and still nothing. Have you ever felt that way ..??

Have you ever felt that there was someone somewhere that understood you .. someone who wasn't your soulmate .. someone not destined to meet you .. but someone you would have to find.. you were alone in a crowd .. (cliche eh .. ) that your existence needed to be defined through that someone else you were seeking. That ....in the most unromantical way .. a part of you was still missing..

That life was beyond love .. beyond the vagaries each moment presented you with .. beyond all the decisions that were thrown at you .. beyond the choices that you stumbled across .. That darkness was at the end of the tunnel and the light way back.. and all you had was a torch with the battery running out.

I have felt some of the above ... and the rest Ive felt through the others Ive known .. but I know its there.. the feeling lurks in the shadows and f****s you when you least expect it .. brings you crashing down like a ton of bricks .. and you never know what hit you ... But its now how you fall .. gracefully or otherwise .. its how you get up to the stares of the unknown eyes.. whether its embarassment.. despair.. vengeance.. a smirk.. or plain mirth..

It is a random musing on my part .. but have you ever noticed that you have the same symptoms when you are in hate .. as when you are in love.. In hate..??? yeah the same hate you feel when you are really pissed off at someone and not the gf bf pissed off ... which everyone knows is plain bullshit !!!
you can't sleep at nights thinking what you would do to that person... you dnt feel hungry because the anger mechanism brings its share of indigestion.. and you can't stop thinking about that person ...!!!
Well so much for "lurrrve" symptoms ..!! seems the love gurus better scamper off back to their drawing boards and design a more fool proff mechanism to identify love..!!

For those who have read the batman comic series will realise how much of batman each person has in his/herself.. He is the only superhero without the superpowers... a man fallible.. a man victimized by the same age that plagues us all.. A hero .. a lover .. a human...
I stand in front of the mirror everyday and think how we live everyday to become the man everyone around us wants us to be.. the perfect father, the perfect son, the perfect brother, the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect enemy, the perfect lover, the perfect human and then they complain how we are losing our individuality.. what the f**k are we supposed to do ? Our life is one big self induced ,confused identity crisis .. and you know what we all are responsible for it.. atleast batman knew what he wanted to become and had the guts to tell everyone else to just f**k off.. He played every role to perfection while remaining true to his own identity.. and that's why he is batman .. and we are us .. we remain stuck in the rat race trying to outdo each other to the finish line not knowing that regardless the result we would be spending our entire lives running one race after the other on the same track until age catches up and we give up..

I wish to break these imaginary shackles that keep us bound to this never ending race track.. I wish to shout at the top of my voice when I want to .. I wish to be a jerk and love myself for it ... I wish to slip, fall and get up laughing .. I wish to stop caring about all those insignificant things which won't do me one bit good in the long run... I wish to wish for something worthwhile .. I wish to stop running .. I am tired.. I wish to stop and think .. think about where I am really heading .. about where I should be heading.. A directionless life is all I have .. though I might seem confident and full of gyaan .. I am helpless.. I have no inkling who I want to be, where I wanna go ... or for that matter who I am.. An engineer? a manager?? a great friend?? a pathetic lover?? an obedient child?? or a protective brother ..?? I feel definitions such as these are irrelevant for it needs the existence of these roles to be relevant and none of them represent me as I am..

From where I am standing .. I see the mirror showing me that I still have a long way to go .. still a long way to the person I almost am .. the person I almost was..!!