The Lazy Bum's Guide to Pfaffing

First of all... its pfaffing not faffing as the oxford dictionary and the likes of it like to refer it as. Those who do not practise it have no right to undermine the sentiments of those who do.  We as MICANS believe we have GOD's authority to dictate what goes and what doesn't in pfaffing. With that in order I think we can move ahead to the actual execution of above said. I have already written a post on pfaffing which I feel is quite an indepth take on the subject and definately adequate for all new"pfaffers", you can click here for it or here for someone else's take on it. Please note I have used only MICAN references for obvious reasons. 

If you are reading this, you are either done reading the above mentioned posts, or taken the smart choice of staying with this post. Moving ahead, this is a lazy bum's guide to pfaffing written by another lazy bum. It is safe to say at this point of time that the lazy bum writing this post is also very bored and has nothing better to do in life at this point of time (has plenty to do .. simply choses not to do it ... read between the lines .. (corollary 1) ).

There have been a lot of models on Pfaffing.. Actually the evolution of Pfaffing as a concept is perhaps as old as Marketing itself. The difference is basically in the alphabets used for denotation of the various models e.g. Marketing has the famous 4 c's and 7 p's while Pfaffing has the infamous B3 and the 3p's. 

The B3 of Pfaffing are as follows:

Bullshit Baffles Brains

As much as i would like to take credit for the same, it was proposed by an intellectual who goes by the name Mayz.

An analysis of the same reveals the following. 

Pfaff can be defined as any bullshit that baffles the brain (Now you know why it is a Lazy Bum's guide to Pfaffing. Theres no way a Lazy Bum would go through an indepth analysis (or write one for that matter which is my case) to find the valuable insights which he could use) . Or to make it even simpler, Pfaff is any crap you blurt out to create a situation where the person in front of you is so confused that he thinks you are genius to say what you did.

The 3 p's of Pfaff will be covered in relatively more detail. The 3 p's of Pfaff are as follows

1. Polysyllabic profundity 

2. Parapsychic hogwash par excellence

3. Particularly digressing and obnubilating

Before we go on to explaining the 3 p's we should understand the 3 rules of Pfaffing

1. The one in front of you is a total idiot and is fortunate enough to have you pfaff to him, think of it as an example of your open hearted generosity.

2. Use of long, difficult to pronunce words with an accent to match is a must to give an aura of learnedness

3. The core crux of Pfaffing is based on the concept of its being totally irrelevant to the topic in question. The more irrelevant it is (interspersed with the right jargons ofcourse), the more confused the listener and the better the Pfaff.

Now to the 3 P's

1. The more syllables a word has, the more difficult it is for an Indian to pronounce it. The more difficult it is to pronounce, the better the weightage given to it. So if suppose you use a word like rodomontade as a compliment to someone you don't like. Chances are that in 99.99% of the time, the concerned person would walk away feeling elated. More crucial is that it follows the Universal Law 2 of Pfaffing and thus is relevant even today. A thing to note here is that the MICA 10th batch school of thought says that Pfaff is possible even without the use of the 1st P and has been proved in various test situations. So this P though relevant is not universal

2. There is a limit to which a normal person can digest information, leave alone process it. Anything beyond that is termed in medical jargons as parapsychic. If the information in question is bullshit served on a silver platter, the capacity drops to alarmingly low levels. Thus almost all kinds of Pfaff's can be covered under this and this remains the most used P by the novices.

3. There is nothing as confusing as irrelevance. As all pfaffers know, the basic truth of life is confuse and conquer. A confused man in the bush is worth two dumb men in front of you. These words of wisdom have traversed generations of wise men, faced endless storms and still lived to show their beacon of relevance even today. If an irrelevant topic is planted strategically in the midst of an engrossing conversation it results in a state of disorientation for the listener. This eventually leads to a chemical reaction succeeded by blowing up of gas bubbles in the brain, blocking the busy intersection between the left and right lobes, creating a extremely common condition called confusion. In this state the listener or victim, as some of us like to refer to them as, is the most vulnerable. This vulnerability gives an opportunity for the pfaffer to unleash his latent potential and break into uncharted territories he never knew he could conquer. This P comes with a rating of APG (Advanced Pfaffer guidance required) and can be used by only the most seasoned of pfaffers.

Here I must use this opportunity to introduce to you the GOD of pfaffers, whose books on pfaff are bestsellers everywhere and continues to use the 3rd P with perfection yet to be attained by us mere mortals. He is none other than Philip Kotler. Most of you readers would be taken in by his stately image and oh so "realistic" examples. But there are a whole kingdom of pfaffers who will back me when I say Kotler is GOD. In reality Kotler is a victim of fate which led him to become what he is. Initially, in his childhood he was just like any of us, a kid with the ambition of scaling the hieghts of pfaffdom. His mother an orthodox christian wanted him to be brought up in the ways of the prudish gentlemen. The stately double breasted suit wearing politician or at the very least a manager in a bank. His father though realised his potential and encouraged him in secrecy. Caught in the throes of a classic dilemma and his unwantingness to choose between the things he liked most, he devoted his time to work on a self triggered micro schizophrenia. In it he would be conscious of his two identities, would work on both simultaneously while being able to control the appearance of both at will. This was no mean feat, as scientists and doctors alike are still trying  to find the exact sequencing of various ingested chemicals to bring about such a condition. What is important though is that it remains unknown to even the closest of people around him and is only known to the mican belt of the pfaffer community. Though we had access to such a valuable information the iron clad ethics of our community binds us from ever taking advantage of it. His book on "Marketing" remains the best work on pfaff till date and can be bought here.

I hope that this guide to pfaffing has helped some of you noob readers to grasp the essence of pfaffing and the responsibility which the title of a pfaffer brings with it. For any questions leave behind a comment and I'll get back to you.

6 Best Brain Diseases to have..

Though as a rule I avoid discussing diseases but I found this fantastic post a part of which is posted below. After reading through it, I think some of you might even want to have 1-2 of these.. Don't believe it ..? read through it before deciding..

1. Photographic Memory

We have all heard of people with so called "photographic memories". Usually we use it when referring to someone who has an above average ability to recall information about the past or about their surroundings. True photographic memory of the kind exhibited by Stephen Wiltshire is truly a rare but amazing gift. Mr. Wiltshire is an autistic savant and those that know him call him "the living camera". When he was 11 years old he drew a perfect representation of the aerial view of London after a single helicopter ride, down to the correct number of windows on the major buildings of the city. This is perhaps one of the coolest feats of the human brain I have ever seen. Below is a video of Stephen Wiltshire showcasing his abilities.

2. Tertiary Neurosyphilis 

Tertiary neurosyphilis, is the most interesting form of syphilis from a cultural point of view. Just before the onset of paralysis, the sufferer is beset with delusions of grandeur, a sense of understanding everything, a sense that he is on the verge of some monumental discovery which will forever change the course of history, as well as a sense that some divine electricity is coursing through his veins.

Since in this preliminary stage of tertiary syphilis, powers of expression are not impaired, a syphilitic who is also an artist may well produce a work of art that reflects this state of mind or, rather, this state of brain. Bob Summers felt that “King of Tetch” was just this kind of work. Wilhelm Reich felt that he had unlocked the secrets of the universe with the discovery of orgone energy, something that could now be accumulated in his orgone boxes, which would make power stations unnecessary.

Hayden feels that Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony was composed under these circumstances, after syphilis had destroyed Beethoven’s hearing and was in the process of destroying his brain as well. “Seid umschlungen Millionen!” The grandiosity of Schiller’s poem is matched by the grandiosity of Beethoven’s musical score, which, at least in terms of the Ode to Joy chorus, is based on a moronic melody (melody was never Beethoven’s strong suit anyway), as the film Dearly Beloved makes clear. The brain of the syphilitic approaching general paralysis of the insane is like the light bulb that grows brighter just before it burns out completely. The syphilitic experiences, in Hayden’s words,

"episodes of creative euphoria, electrified, joyous energy when grandiosity led to a new vision. The heightened perception, dazzling insights, and almost mystical knowledge experienced during this time were expressed while precision of form of expression was still possible. At the end of the 19th century, it was believed that, in rare instances, syphilis could produce genius."

- excerpts from Deborah Hayden, Pox: Genius, Madness, and the Mysteries  of Syphilis (New York: Basic Books, 2003), 379 pp., Reviewed by E.Michael Jones, Ph.D.

3. Synesthesia

Synesthesia can occur between nearly any two senses or perceptual modes. While nearly every possible combination of experiences is logically possible, several types are more common than others.

Grapheme → color synesthesia 

How someone with synesthesia might perceive (not "see") certain letters and numbers.
*Some synesthetes who actually see colors on the page could look at the picture on the left and actually see it as it is shown on the right, so at a glance they could see which are the 2s and which are the 5s.

In one of the most common forms of synesthesia, grapheme → color synesthesia, individual letters of the alphabet and numbers (collectively referred to as graphemes), are "shaded" or "tinged" with a color. While no two synesthetes will report the same colors for all letters and numbers, studies of large numbers of synesthetes find that there are some commonalities across letters (e.g., A is likely to be red) . -wikipedia

Music → color synesthesia 

In music → color synesthesia, individuals experience colors in response to tones or other aspects of musical stimuli (e.g., timbre or key). Like grapheme → color synesthesia, there is rarely agreement amongst synesthetes that a given tone will be a certain color, but individuals are internally consistent. Tested months later, synesthetes will report the same experiences as they had previously reported.

Color changes in response to pitch may involve more than just the hue of the color. Lightness (the amount of black in a color; red with black may appear brown), saturation (the intensity of the color; candy red is highly saturated, while pink is almost unsaturated), and hue may all be affected to varying degrees. Additionally, music → color synesthetes, unlike grapheme → color synesthetes, often report that the colors move, or stream into and out of their field of view. 

- From Wikipedia, click here for more info 

4. Savantism without major autistic impairments.

Daniel Paul Tammet is a British autistic savant gifted with a facility for mathematics problems, sequence memory, and natural language learning. He was born with congenital childhood epilepsy.

Experiencing numbers as colors or sensations is a well-documented form of synesthesia, but Tammet is unique in how specific and detailed his mental imagery of numbers is. He claims that in his mind each number, up to 10,000, has its own unique shape and feel, and he can "sense" whether a number is prime or composite and "see" results of calculations as landscapes in his mind. He has described his visual image of 289 as particularly ugly, 333 as particularly attractive, and pi as beautiful.

Tammet holds the European record for memorizing and recounting pi to 22,514 digits in just over five hours. This sponsored charity challenge was held in aid of the National Society for Epilepsy (NSE) on “Pi Day,” 14 March 2004 at the Museum of the History of Science, Oxford, UK. The NSE was chosen to benefit from this event because of Daniel's experience with epilepsy as a young child. Professor Allan Snyder at the Australian National University said of Tammet: “Savants can't usually tell us how they do what they do. It just comes to them. Daniel can. He describes what he sees in his head. That's why he's exciting. He could be the ‘Rosetta Stone.’”

- From Wikipedia Click Here for more information about Daniel

5. Congenital Insensitivity to Pain (CIPA)

Congenital insensitivity to pain (or congenital analgia) is a rare condition where a child cannot feel (and has never felt) physical pain.Cognition and sensation is otherwise normal, for instance they can still feel discriminative touch (though not always temperature), and there is no detectable physical abnormality.These children often suffer oral cavity damage (such as having bitten off the tip of their tongue) or fractures to bones. Unnoticed infections, and corneal damage due to foreign objects in the eye are also seen.
From Wikipedia Click Here for more information about CIPA

Also Here a little girl with CIPA was featured on the Oprah Show. 

6. Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS)

Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome results in a spontaneous and persistent genital arousal, with or without orgasm or genital engorgement, unrelated to any feelings of sexual desire. It was first documented by Dr. Sandra Leiblum in 2001, only recently characterized as a distinct syndrome in medical literature. In particular, it is not related to hypersexuality, sometimes known as nymphomania or satyriasis. In addition to being very rare the condition is also frequently unreported by sufferers who may consider it shameful or embarrassing.

Physical arousal caused by this syndrome can be very intense and persist for extended periods, days or weeks at a time. Orgasm can sometimes provide temporary relief, but within hours the symptoms return. The symptoms can be debilitating, preventing concentration on mundane tasks. Some situations, such as riding in an automobile or train, vibrations from mobile phones, and even going to the toilet can aggravate the syndrome unbearably.

- From Wikipedia for more information on PSAS Click Here

Example: Woman has 300+ orgasms per day: http://www.mymultiplesclerosis.co.uk/misc/orgasms.html

When you manage to squeeze enough toothpaste out for one last brush

 

Say you wake up Monday morning and realize you forgot to set your alarm clock. Now not only did you miss out on some quality snoozetime, but you’re late for work to boot. You jump out of bed, jump on the toilet, jump in the shower, jump into some clothes, and run to the bathroom to brush your teeth before running out the door.

But then you see it.

That thin, rolled-up toothpaste tube laying completely empty on your counter, the life completely squeezed out of it over the past few weeks. Your jaw drops and your memory flies back…

… you vividly recall making the first soft dent in the tube’s cylindrical purity, back when the paste was flowing like water, just waiting to come out. It seemed like it would never end. Over the next few weeks, there were some great moments, like:

1.  The time you forgot to put the lid on and had to squeeze real hard        through a tiny pinprick hole in the center of the congealed toothpaste wall the next day.
2.  The first time you had to roll it up, coiling the thick, once-mighty toothpaste anaconda into a   tightly wound fraction of itself. This was foreshadowing, but still — the paste kept flowing and       you thought nothing of it.
3.  The time you thought you actually were out of toothpaste, but you managed to unroll it and     slide it real hard across the edge of your bathroom counter, completely coaxing all the minty         green molecules up to the front door.


You smile slightly at the foggy memories of those better days, before your brain quickly jerks you forward to the present.

Which is right now. When you’re late for work. 

You stare into your empty tube of toothpaste, you glance quickly at your watch, and you decide to just for go for it, one last time.

You grab your brush, grit your teeth, and squeeze your thumb and forefinger together as hard as you can, right on the head of the toothpaste tube. You squeeze and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze, your thumb pounding, your brow pulsing, your brush pleading…

… until it finally comes: that very last, very weak, very small little dot of toothpaste, just peeking its head out the front door of the tube, just in time for you to swipe at it with your toothbrush, swab it around your mouth, and spit it out.

AWESOME!

source: http://1000awesomethings.com/2008/11/03/904-one-last-brush/

Pictures from: here, here and here

A thought for a thought

Its not everyday that you actually sit down and think about things. Ya it happens by accident mostly specially when we are in the loo. It is said we get our best ideas in the loo, atleast its true for me. But that's enough about it all, the main point of focus is that I was thinking. And while thinking I thought about what I was really thinking. You may think its about the most hopeless attempts of mine so far in my blog journey and maybe you should give up on my post just about now. But I implore you, stick with me for sometime more and it WILL make sense... somehow. You know theres always this gnawing feeling inside as if theres something missing. I have somehow never made peace with myself. It's always I couldn't get this. I couldn't get that. Its as if I have never been satisfied with the results unless they were in my favour and then too I just accepted it and moved on to another bout of cribbing. In essence my journey in life so far has been just about cribbing. Why do I feel so, is it just another pang of misery which led me to write this post? No it isn't, I am writing this post because I have always observed a little of me in everyone I meet. Maybe it's just my way of saying thanks, or my inability to react to a compliment, or my anger or my ego ... The list is endless and seemingly so is the flow of people into and out of my life.  Call me a self centred b*****d for "me" meing all this while, but its true. 

A little analysis showed me exactly what I knew all this while. The journey is always the essence of any thing we do. The hunt is always better than the kill, the courtship is always the best part of the romance. We see numerous such example still fail to realise the one thing thats the most important, "NOW". 

Our now is always a mix of the past and the future... the real present is usually gone before we realise it and then it becomes a part of the unchangeable past. If only we devoted some time to the future, the past would be ... well the past.. and future would be really something worth celebrating.  But then we never know what the future holds so why not cherish the present before it becomes the past. 

I have heard people say that though our mind has "unlimited" potential, only a fragment of it is tapped by us "normal" beings while some who exploit it more gain extraordinary powers. I say its bullshit. Though I acknowledge and respect the "extraordinary" men who went and did which we could not, but its not because what they have, but more because what they don't have. The thing which probably they didn't have in their minds is the trash that we keep collecting and storing moment after moment. We select the most useless piece of information out of what is available to us and store it in the most coveted storage place we have, our brain. When it is time to store the more important information useful time is spent in selecting which "useless" information to remove to make space for the new "important and useful" information. A little tidbit to prove my point. Did you know that Thomas Alva Edison used to take out his diary when asked for a address and could not remember any without the diary? Would you call such a great scientist an idiot for not remembering one's address? surely he should have been more capable with an IQ like his? It was more due to his insistence on NOT memorizing them than anything else which led to this. He did not want his mind filled with seemingly useless things like addresses which could be stored in a diary rather than some interesting theory he could use for an invention of his. The potential of our mind is what we make it to be and not the other way around.

I believe in the power of man, that man alone has the power to shape his/her own destiny. Just about everything is in our own hands should we chose to exercise our right and claim the reigns. Too long have we employed the services of the unnamed, faceless strangers to the task of running our lives, its time we took control and gave it a direction we thought right. One in my place often wonders, and I do too, about the direction his/her life is taking and not just about career, even generally. Often after 30-40 years of life one feels like asking oneself what is it that we have really achieved. I don't think I can answer it yet and I hope I can answer it someday. I don't wish to see my epitaph saying "he was a good man and he led an honest life", I do not want to see "he achieved the pinnacle of success..." what I really want to see is "he was content on how his life had shaped, he has no regrets".

I want to die ... NO ... live a content man... A man who has no regrets when he sees his past from the present, a man who dreams about a present like future....