ReDmpTiON spEaKs ...

The Lazy Bum's Guide to Pfaffing

First of all... its pfaffing not faffing as the oxford dictionary and the likes of it like to refer it as. Those who do not practise it have no right to undermine the sentiments of those who do.  We as MICANS believe we have GOD's authority to dictate what goes and what doesn't in pfaffing. With that in order I think we can move ahead to the actual execution of above said. I have already written a post on pfaffing which I feel is quite an indepth take on the subject and definately adequate for all new"pfaffers", you can click here for it or here for someone else's take on it. Please note I have used only MICAN references for obvious reasons. 

If you are reading this, you are either done reading the above mentioned posts, or taken the smart choice of staying with this post. Moving ahead, this is a lazy bum's guide to pfaffing written by another lazy bum. It is safe to say at this point of time that the lazy bum writing this post is also very bored and has nothing better to do in life at this point of time (has plenty to do .. simply choses not to do it ... read between the lines .. (corollary 1) ).

There have been a lot of models on Pfaffing.. Actually the evolution of Pfaffing as a concept is perhaps as old as Marketing itself. The difference is basically in the alphabets used for denotation of the various models e.g. Marketing has the famous 4 c's and 7 p's while Pfaffing has the infamous B3 and the 3p's. 

The B3 of Pfaffing are as follows:

Bullshit Baffles Brains

As much as i would like to take credit for the same, it was proposed by an intellectual who goes by the name Mayz.

An analysis of the same reveals the following. 

Pfaff can be defined as any bullshit that baffles the brain (Now you know why it is a Lazy Bum's guide to Pfaffing. Theres no way a Lazy Bum would go through an indepth analysis (or write one for that matter which is my case) to find the valuable insights which he could use) . Or to make it even simpler, Pfaff is any crap you blurt out to create a situation where the person in front of you is so confused that he thinks you are genius to say what you did.

The 3 p's of Pfaff will be covered in relatively more detail. The 3 p's of Pfaff are as follows

1. Polysyllabic profundity 

2. Parapsychic hogwash par excellence

3. Particularly digressing and obnubilating

Before we go on to explaining the 3 p's we should understand the 3 rules of Pfaffing

1. The one in front of you is a total idiot and is fortunate enough to have you pfaff to him, think of it as an example of your open hearted generosity.

2. Use of long, difficult to pronunce words with an accent to match is a must to give an aura of learnedness

3. The core crux of Pfaffing is based on the concept of its being totally irrelevant to the topic in question. The more irrelevant it is (interspersed with the right jargons ofcourse), the more confused the listener and the better the Pfaff.

Now to the 3 P's

1. The more syllables a word has, the more difficult it is for an Indian to pronounce it. The more difficult it is to pronounce, the better the weightage given to it. So if suppose you use a word like rodomontade as a compliment to someone you don't like. Chances are that in 99.99% of the time, the concerned person would walk away feeling elated. More crucial is that it follows the Universal Law 2 of Pfaffing and thus is relevant even today. A thing to note here is that the MICA 10th batch school of thought says that Pfaff is possible even without the use of the 1st P and has been proved in various test situations. So this P though relevant is not universal

2. There is a limit to which a normal person can digest information, leave alone process it. Anything beyond that is termed in medical jargons as parapsychic. If the information in question is bullshit served on a silver platter, the capacity drops to alarmingly low levels. Thus almost all kinds of Pfaff's can be covered under this and this remains the most used P by the novices.

3. There is nothing as confusing as irrelevance. As all pfaffers know, the basic truth of life is confuse and conquer. A confused man in the bush is worth two dumb men in front of you. These words of wisdom have traversed generations of wise men, faced endless storms and still lived to show their beacon of relevance even today. If an irrelevant topic is planted strategically in the midst of an engrossing conversation it results in a state of disorientation for the listener. This eventually leads to a chemical reaction succeeded by blowing up of gas bubbles in the brain, blocking the busy intersection between the left and right lobes, creating a extremely common condition called confusion. In this state the listener or victim, as some of us like to refer to them as, is the most vulnerable. This vulnerability gives an opportunity for the pfaffer to unleash his latent potential and break into uncharted territories he never knew he could conquer. This P comes with a rating of APG (Advanced Pfaffer guidance required) and can be used by only the most seasoned of pfaffers.

Here I must use this opportunity to introduce to you the GOD of pfaffers, whose books on pfaff are bestsellers everywhere and continues to use the 3rd P with perfection yet to be attained by us mere mortals. He is none other than Philip Kotler. Most of you readers would be taken in by his stately image and oh so "realistic" examples. But there are a whole kingdom of pfaffers who will back me when I say Kotler is GOD. In reality Kotler is a victim of fate which led him to become what he is. Initially, in his childhood he was just like any of us, a kid with the ambition of scaling the hieghts of pfaffdom. His mother an orthodox christian wanted him to be brought up in the ways of the prudish gentlemen. The stately double breasted suit wearing politician or at the very least a manager in a bank. His father though realised his potential and encouraged him in secrecy. Caught in the throes of a classic dilemma and his unwantingness to choose between the things he liked most, he devoted his time to work on a self triggered micro schizophrenia. In it he would be conscious of his two identities, would work on both simultaneously while being able to control the appearance of both at will. This was no mean feat, as scientists and doctors alike are still trying  to find the exact sequencing of various ingested chemicals to bring about such a condition. What is important though is that it remains unknown to even the closest of people around him and is only known to the mican belt of the pfaffer community. Though we had access to such a valuable information the iron clad ethics of our community binds us from ever taking advantage of it. His book on "Marketing" remains the best work on pfaff till date and can be bought here.

I hope that this guide to pfaffing has helped some of you noob readers to grasp the essence of pfaffing and the responsibility which the title of a pfaffer brings with it. For any questions leave behind a comment and I'll get back to you.